Today I’m joining the blog tour for How To Survive Making Yourself Look Silly While Dancing With The German Mafia At A Bavarian Nightclub And Other Lesser Known Travel Tips. I’m sharing an extract from the book with thanks to Rachel Gilbey at Rachel’s Random Resources for inviting me on the tour and to the author for providing the extract.

Blurb:

The best has been saved to last. Book 3 of a hilarious series of travel misadventures and dubious personal introspection by Australian author Simon Yeats, who from an early age learned that the best way to approach the misfortunes of this world is to laugh about it.

Simon shares his comedic insights into the unusual and uproarious elements of living life as an Aussie ex-pat and having a sense of Wanderlust as pervasive as Cholera in the 1850s.

From how to outwit the Italian police while trying to find parking in downtown Genoa, to how to negotiate exploring the Roman ruins of Plovdiv, Bulgaria while on crutches, to how to impress the German Mafia with 80s dance moves, to how to leave a lasting impression on a crowded bar in Gothenburg, Sweden after combining alcohol and antibiotics.

The best has been saved to last. Book 3 of a hilarious series of travel misadventures and dubious personal introspection by Australian author Simon Yeats, who from an early age learned that the best way to approach the misfortunes of this world is to laugh about it.

Simon shares his comedic insights into the unusual and uproarious elements of living life as an Aussie ex-pat and having a sense of Wanderlust as pervasive as Cholera in the 1850s.

From how to outwit the Italian police while trying to find parking in downtown Genoa, to how to negotiate exploring the Roman ruins of Plovdiv, Bulgaria while on crutches, to how to impress the German Mafia with 80s dance moves, to how to leave a lasting impression on a crowded bar in Gothenburg, Sweden after combining alcohol and antibiotics.

Simon Yeats has gone into the world and experienced all the out of the ordinary moments for you to sit back and enjoy the experience without the need to rupture a disc or succumb to Dengue fever.

Extract:

Sometimes travel is not as it appears in the travel brochure.

The Zambezi River Gorge is as deep as Victoria Falls is high. That puts it at 108 meters or 354 feet. So, I am not sure why I thought that to whitewater raft the gorge, starting from the base of the falls, I would somehow be easily walking directly from a tour jeep to the river’s edge.

This is the spot I found in the series to add a few stories from Africa, as they followed straight after my time in Sweden, and I have not spent enough time on that continent to warrant its own book yet.

On previous rafting excursions, in North Queensland, Big Bend National Park, and the trip from Hell in Nepal, accessing the rivers had been easy. Everyone climbed out of the minibus or Land Rover and walked a few feet to the put in zone. The Zambezi River is at the bottom of a steep gorge. Who wants to spend all that energy climbing down into a chasm prior to going rafting? Build me an elevator. Surely the Zimbabwe Tourist Authority should understand that visitors to its number one sightseeing destination would appreciate a little more convenience on our wilderness adventures.

Especially since I am operating on a broken leg.

There are ten of us on this whitewater excursion. Six people loosely traveling as individuals and two pairs of friends. There is a duet of Japanese girls who would not look out of place in a Madonna MTV music video from the 80s. And two Dutch boys, who are inexplicably wearing culottes and matching calf high The Simpsons socks. I am aware of this branding for children’s outfits. But Holland must be promoting The Simpsons attire as an outdoor action clothing line. Because here it is in front of me, in the wilds of Africa, worn by two Dutch people.

Everyone on the trip thinks the two Dutchmen must be brothers. They look the same. They dress the same. They have similar mannerisms. But no. They are just friends. But their mothers must shop at the same store. I do not care what I must do; I am not ending up in a raft with those two.

The put-in zone on the Zambezi River will depend on the time of year a person goes there on a whitewater trip. The river flow is not under the control of dams, only seasonal rainfall. During the dry months, late July to mid-January, the put in is at the Boiling Pot directly underneath the falls. From mid-January to July, during high water flow, the rafts start their journey from rapids 400 meters further down the gorge. This is where I am going.

Bugger. I so wanted to stand at the base of the falls and just be present at that moment. The moment just before realizing how pigheadedly stupid I am for going through with this after breaking my leg while playing rugby in South Africa 10 days ago.

Thankfully, we do not have to shimmy down the cliff. We can hike into the gorge on a goat track punctuated by wooden ladders to negotiate the steeper sections. The climb down is tolerable for the others, even for the Japanese fly-girls. For me on my broken leg, not so much. I force myself to keep pace with everyone else, as there is no way in hell I am having two Dutchmen wearing The Simpsons socks complain that I am slowing them down. After much swearing under my breath, and some occasional swearing not under my breath, we reach the bottom of the gorge and the put-in zone.

I am the last to emerge from the vegetation and find I have already been relegated to the raft with both the Japanese girls and the two Dutchmen. The other six individuals wisely stuck together. Woo hoo! My raft is guaranteed to win the prize for most absurdly dressed tourists in Africa category. But it gets better. As stupid as I was not to consider having to climb into the gorge to raft, I have fared better than the two Japanese girls. When they signed up for a whitewater rafting trip, they did not consider actually having to paddle.

“What are these for?” They ask naively as they are handed their paddles.

***

How To Survive Making Yourself Look Silly While Dancing With The German Mafia At A Bavarian Nightclub And Other Lesser Known Travel Tips is available from Amazon.

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